Rite Rug Went Wrong

on May 17th, 2012 by Kalen

Flooring is getting redone today. If you haven’t heard about that drama then lemme tell ya, your life is a little sweeter than it would be otherwise. Basically they put the flooring in, had the wrong measurements and cuts on the edging, glue wasn’t holding certain pieces together, and it started to buckle within days.

I shudder when I see these pictures, and it only got worse. These pictures are just a few of examples, and they were taken the day after:

Transition from the living room to the kitchen.  For real.

Damaged baseboard/unfinished quarter round (left edge)

Uneven, not caulked, not cut back, etc.

Anyway, it has been weeks since this all started and we’re not very happy, ya dig? The customer service people have been pretty prompt but weren’t originally going to replace the whole floor… that is until he took up the quarter round and we all saw that boards were cut uneven, there were no spacers, and the floor was caving in at multiple locations. Oh! So that’s how bad it is! Basically, it looked like a kid strolled in here, decided he was gonna try to lay down a floor, and went for it. Fun science experiment, Mom! But I kinda sucked at it.

To be fair, I watched the guy laying the floor get left by his supervisor and he was trying really hard and looked nervous every time I spoke to him. I have to throw that in there because I preach empathy so THERE IT IS.

So I asked for the floor to be completely redone, compensation for the damage to our wall and baseboard, and a refund for the installation price. I think that’s fair considering this floor installation has now put me out for 2 full days where I’ve had to stay upstairs with babies all day (can’t get to my kitchen – awesome), and we were promised a quality product/install and we got neither and we’ve had to wait a long time for all of this ridiculousness. I’m not sure what their compensation will be yet, but this whole disaster has taught me that I have to stand up for what I feel is right. At first I was all kinda, “Oh yeah – it happens, it’s okay,” but after talking with people and watching my kids and husband trip over loose pieces I decided no, this is ridiculous and we were really done wrong. We deserve to be compensated for our time and worries and our busted up baseboard and wall and everything this has entailed. This isn’t quality, this is trying to slide by doing the bare minimum.

I’m anxious to see them today and see how the “new” flooring turns out. I’m praying that this whole thing will just be over and that I won’t walk downstairs and find a random staircase built in the middle of my floor or Elmer’s glue along the edging. I’m putting my faith in the guy that I’ve been working closely with, so let’s see if he can pull through.

And if he can’t? Well… I may temporarily misplace my empathy.

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Anxiety 101: Pattern Recognition

on May 16th, 2012 by Kalen

Anxiety 101: Pattern Recognition

So I’ve talked to you about recognizing your unique physical reactions to anxiety, and I’ve talked to you about knowing your triggers. The next thing I’m going to discuss is pattern recognition.

If you used a worksheet or wrote down your reactions, triggers, and the time/place you were experiencing them, you might have something similar to this:

 

I have already went and underlined patterns in this chart. There are several patterns going on at once. One is the date and time of the anxiety (around 3-4pm). Another is a common place the anxiety is experienced (the shower – this person should never watch Psycho). The last significant pattern falls under the trigger category (negative thoughts).

This particular person would not have a pattern yet in the reactions column. Everyone is unique and everyone will have patterns in different areas. One of the most common areas to notice a pattern is definitely the trigger column.

Have you been writing these things down? Noticed any patterns?

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Some of my biggest triggers: crowded places where I cannot leave easily if I need to, places that are remote/far away from hospital care, negative thoughts about someone hurting my kids, negative thoughts about my loved ones dying, and thoughts about someone breaking into my home aka… THOUGHTS are my worst enemy and some of mine tend to be slightly obsessive.

Once you notice the patterns, you will already be more in control of your anxiety. However, it might not be as easy as the chart above. It might take several weeks of notes. If your anxiety is at a very high level, there will be lots and lots of patterns and it will be hard to sort through them. And still yet, there will be times where you don’t notice the trigger and those times are the hardest, because those are usually the deepest rooted causes of our anxiety.

Pattern recognition gives us more ability to break the cycle. But how? It raises our awareness, for one. We are unable to properly heal from our anxieties if we have no idea what is causing them or if it all just runs together to the point where we’re anxious more than we are calm. We have to sift through all of the information and try to make sense of it first. Pattern recognition empowers us, it encourages us to slow ourselves down and think about our well-being.

Now that you’re hopefully recognizing patterns (or maybe you were already aware of them to begin with) and your triggers are becoming more familiar to you (watching Golden Girls causes me to have a panic attack? Huh?) and you catch yourself noticing when your body is reacting strongly to anxiety, you’re going to be able to start learning some coping mechanisms. We’ll talk about some of those next week.

=======================

NOTE About Anxiety 101

I have focused heavily on the physical aspect of anxiety. This has a purpose. Anxiety is overwhelming and the last thing I want to do is overwhelm you more with information! This series is ground-level work, but it is work and it is hopefully going to relieve you of your anxiety symptoms enough that you will be able to begin exploring the deeper layers of it. One cannot explore why rabbits absolutely terrify them until they are able to stop themselves from having a panic attack while discussing rabbits. Physical reactions are easier to notice and easier to “take care of” so this series is focused on starting there. For the deeper work, I highly recommend consulting a qualified therapist.

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Your homework for this week? Keep your chart up and keep noticing patterns. This needs to be something you maintain for quite some time to see how new patterns emerge as you “take care of” older ones. It can also help you see how you’re progressing which is something you’ll value very much. Have a friend you trust look at your chart for you and see if they notice anything as well.  When they ask you if you’re crazy say, “I sure am! KaTOOT willy nee-nee on the 4pm train, because the yogurt sausages weren’t man enough for me!”

It’ll really stop any further questioning & get them off your back.

=======================

One of my readers, S, purchased this book after reading the last column. I’ll see if I can get her to write a bit of a review for you all that might be following this series along with her. I do receive a percentage of commission from any sales through Amazon if you buy through this link. If that makes you uncomfortable, please go to a half-priced bookstore or ask a therapist if you can borrow their copy, this book is essential in my opinion:

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Mama’s Day

on May 12th, 2012 by Kalen

 

My first Mother’s Day as the mama of two babies is tomorrow. Today I went out with friends where we, incidentally, talked mostly about our kids.

But I couldn’t have become a mother without my own mother bringing me into this world. And I wouldn’t have had as much patience without my stepmama’s example. And even my mother-in-law has shaped the way I parent.

I am loved and so I can love.

That’s something to be thankful for.

Sometimes I get so impatient and I’m so tired these days that I don’t give 100% and I don’t play games or read books that day and I feel like there isn’t any possible way I can get up in the middle of the night or early the next morning and be a cheerful mama. There are days when I lose my temper and say, “EVERLY!” louder than I should or let Beckett fuss longer than normal because I need to breathe because I feel like I’m underwater.

Those days, I do not feel like a good mama.

Then there are days where I put on music and we dance around the kitchen and Everly tries to mimic my every move. There are days when she runs into my arms laughing because Beckett is “chasing” her and we all 3 crack up to tears. There are days when we all lay together on the bed and fall over dramatically into pillows and rub our faces all over each other and kiss each other over & over again. There are days when I read Everly extra books or I spend extra time covering Beckett’s hands and feet in kisses.

Those days, I feel like a good mama.

But I need both of those kind of days, the good and the bad, to really understand what motherhood is. I need them in order to appreciate it, but also in order to push myself to go further than just being Everly’s and Beckett’s parent. Sometimes I need breaks. I need other interests. I need hopes & dreams & desires. In that way, I am being an example to them, because mothering truly never ends, it is always who you are if you embrace it.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the mamas out there. Here’s to the bad days & the good days and the days in between. Because no matter what, all of those days are days we spend loving our precious babies.

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Anxiety 101: Knowing Your Triggers

on May 9th, 2012 by Kalen

Anxiety 101: Knowing Your Triggers

Ok, so I challenged you last week to start noticing your body’s reaction to anxiety.  What are some of your physiological reactions to anxiety that you’ve noticed?

The next step in this process of overcoming anxiety is KNOWING YOUR TRIGGERS.

A trigger is something that seems to rev up your anxiety to the next level, and may be subconscious right now depending on your level of self-awareness. When you experience a trigger, your heart beat speeds up, your pupils dilate, your breathing becomes more shallow, you may begin to sweat, get dizzy, and you might even have a panic attack if your anxiety is really out of control.

A trigger for anxiety does not become a trigger out of no where. It becomes a trigger because you associate it with something negative. For example, when I was a teenager I once had a panic attack in a crowded restaurant. For a long time after, I “could not” go out to eat in crowded restaurants because I would start to feel panicky. I had associated going out to eat with anxiety and therefore anticipated having that anxiety, which made me want to avoid that trigger. Actually avoiding that trigger is called phobic avoidance. It is unhealthy and with time can even become agoraphobia.

Some Symptoms of Agoraphobia:

-Dependence on others

-Fear of being alone

-Fear of losing control in a public place

-Fear of being in places where escape might be difficult

-More here

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Now, back to knowing your triggers.

Triggers can be any stressful event (such as test-taking, driving, confrontation, or public speaking) but can also be more unusual things that we don’t associate with anxiety as easily (such as a temperature change in the room, a stomachache, a skip in our heartbeat, a certain smell, noise, vibrations, or a funny taste in our mouth). More triggers of anxiety include emotions and thoughts associated with grief, unpredictability or uncertainty, anger and resentment, and more.

Triggers are unique to the individual in many cases and can take some serious introspection to figure out. Luckily, almost any subconscious trigger can become conscious with time. Sometimes it may take the help of a skilled therapist, but there are many triggers you can recognize on your own.

So since you know your body’s reactions to anxiety and you’re becoming more aware of what those feel like, now you can move on to writing down what caused those reactions.

For example, if I’m riding in the car and notice my grip is tight on the steering wheel and I’m bouncing my leg and feeling dizzy, I STOP, slow my breathing, and think, “Okay – what just caused that?” Sometimes it’s because I was thinking about all of the things I have left to do that day. Sometimes it’s because I started worrying about a sick family member or friend. Occasionally it’s because I saw one of those crazy squirrels or a car beside me was swerving. Whatever the reason, I try to figure it out and just make a mental note of it. Eventually, I notice patterns.

So now, on top of writing down when you notice your body’s reactions to anxiety, I want you to write out a possible trigger. If you can’t figure it out yet, that’s okay, it takes practice. But writing down both the trigger and the reaction whenever you can is  a great start to controlling the symptoms of your anxiety. Here’s  a sample worksheet that you can print for starters.

Writing down the date and time is important! A pattern will emerge. When my anxiety was at it’s worst, I realized that nighttime was a huge trigger for me. As soon as the sun would start setting, I’d begin feeling nervous! If you don’t know the trigger for the reactions you’re feeling at that moment, just leave that part blank, but try hard to make an association. Knowing your triggers strengthens your ability to cope with them (not avoid them, but cope with them, which we’ll talk about later).

So that’s your homework for the next week. You’ve already started noticing your body’s physical reaction to anxiety, now start noticing your triggers.

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I must mention this. This book changed my life. It is easy to read and many therapists use it in their office and keep it on their bookshelves because it is so effective and well-done:

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Beckett: Six Months Old

on May 7th, 2012 by Kalen

Beckett turned 6 months on yesterday, May 6th. I’m a day late writing this letter.

Scrunchy-nosed laugh

Beckett,

Right now you’re chewing on your sister’s pink monkey purse and your dark hair looks fluffy and messy and your sister is eating yogurt right above your head and saying, “Ahhhh ya ya ya ya! Ya ya ya ya! Hi!” and you stop to stare up at her, bewildered.

You are getting on your hands and knees and rocking and trying to sit back. You are crawling across the entire house, mostly on your belly. You are sitting without assistance for short periods of time, and you are desperately trying to say, “Ba ba ba!” when you see me mouth it. You’re holding your bottle when you feel like it.

You are so different than Everly was that sometimes I feel like a first-time mom again. That’s the joy of having both a boy and a girl, I suppose. Also the way the universe keeps me in check & reminds me that I’ll never, ever, everrrrr be in complete control.

You try so hard to keep up with your big sister that I watch you work, sometimes for 20 straight minutes, to get your body upright so you can see her better. You want so desperately to follow her when she walks away that you drag your little body as quickly as possible in her direction. This makes her crack up and run to me, dying laughing and trying to stop you from reaching her. I love watching you two interact. You are true siblings. It is a world of motherhood that I am so glad I came to know.

Still hating car rides, buddy. Still making us hate car rides right along with you. We took an hour trip to the aquarium and you were screaming at the top of your lungs the entire hour. It’s probably the toughest thing about you right now. Another tough thing is that you’re back to waking up once (occasionally twice, but the 2nd time is early morning) during the night. I blame myself because I don’t keep you on a schedule as strictly as Everly, but the truth is – you’re just a different baby.

Everything is going in your mouth right now, its insane. You’re teething and I’m watching as you try to consume paper towels, toys, socks, my hand, your sister’s face, whatever Daddy’s eating, and the kitchen sink.

You are strong. You are funny. You are Mommy’s boy. I know that won’t last. I know you’ll be in baseball or wrestling before I realize it and I know your father is going to coach you to be an amazingly well-disciplined, masculine little guy and I will lose some of those snuggles and flirty grins. But right now, you’re mine, and if I leave your sight or let someone else hold you, you make it known that Mama is #1 and they have no business trying to have a part in your life right now. Makes me smile so big.

You peed on the floor a couple days ago after your sister had taken your diaper off and it was awesome. You were the proudest you have ever been so far. You were on your belly and looked back at me like, “Hah! Dude! Check it out!” and then you spun in a circle in it while I ran to get a towel. Boys are magnificent, I swear.

You laugh when I wipe your butt. You laugh when you sneeze on your sister’s face. You laugh when you’re in the bathtub and I wash your armpits. Six months old and you already know how to be a stink-butt. I love that. This morning you were being really fussy and I said, “Alright buddy if you whine any more I’m going to put your sister’s bow in your hair,” and you let out a loud, “Eeeeeeeeee!” and I said, “Okay, that’s it!” and clipped it in your hair and you stopped, looked at me, and started laughing so hard you had to stop to catch your breath.

You are wonderful, son. You’re just wonderful. You find ways to fill monotonous Monday mornings with your sunshine. You uplift our family. You are our example of happy. You can even bring your sister out of a bad mood quicker than your father and I can, and it is probably what I love most about you right now.

I used to wonder if anything would ever compare to the feelings of excitement and joyfulness that I experienced as a kid when I climbed trees or went fishing or jumped into the cold lake on a hot summer’s day. I figured it was impossible to ever feel that way again, so carefree and satisfied.

You’ve brought those feelings back to me in vibrant color with your smile.

Thank you, stink-butt sweet boy.

Love,

Mama

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Common Good

on May 4th, 2012 by Kalen

During my first internship I met a dark-haired, freckled co-intern named Laura. I immediately noticed her fun, funky fashion sense and her sweet-hearted nature. We didn’t get a lot of time to talk or get to know each other because we were scheduled on different days mostly, but I was well-aware of her commitment to social work and her desire to really get in the thick of things and help people out.

She was fun and high-energy and the girls at our placement adored her.

Doing a little jig (off her FB profile)

It was no surprise really when I learned she and her husband had moved to a part of downtown Lexington that is frankly, undesirable to most of us. There is poverty hidden behind big, beautiful houses and a lot of our crime comes from the exact area she moved to. She integrated her life with the people there, and gained their trust. Eventually, her and her husband quit their jobs and started a non-profit called Common Good.

Common Good is an after-school program for children ages K-12 that serves downtown Lexington. They have tutoring, a summer camp, field trips, and provide a hot meal every evening for their students. They have volunteers that come in and teach a variety of life skills, speak about their professions, and mentor these kids. 75% of the students speak English as a second language, and a large percentage of their population are refugees.

As I read more about it, I became passionate about helping Laura and felt limited in my ability to do so, but I’m trying.

Right now they have students on the wait list that cannot receive their services because of financial constraint. They don’t have a lot of time for fundraising since they are busy over-seeing the program, so a lot of their support comes from private donations. They are in need of help and I think if all of my readers contributed $1, I could maybe get enough to get one of those students off the wait list, which is my goal. The tuition for one student is $250. We can do this, we can help them get a student off the wait list.

You can read more about Common Good here, and you can donate by using this secure link below. It will take your donation through Paypal and send it to me, and I will pass it on to Laura, 100% of it.

If you feel more comfortable directly donating to Common Good, please let me know and I will email you information.

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2 under 2 Tricks

on May 3rd, 2012 by Kalen

-Going to the bathroom? Bring a receiving blanket. Put the smallest one on the floor in front of you with a couple of toys and have the older one sit in there and read you books (or read them books).

-Need a shower? Put the smallest one in a bebePOD, bouncer, or pack and play outside the door/shower curtain and bring the oldest one in with you. Once the smallest gets big enough, bring them in the shower, too. Washing 3 birds with 1 stone. ;)

-Hungry? For breakfast, try to wake up about 15 minutes earlier than they do so you can eat. Wait until they’re both napping for lunch time (sync their naps, AT ALL COSTS SYNC AT LEAST 1 NAP). For dinner, I put the oldest to “work” with a spoon and some bowls and put the smallest in a bebePOD where he can see me. That little toy on the bebePOD is seriously magic. Read the reviews you’ll see what I mean.

-Going shopping? Put the oldest in the main part of the cart and have them sit down. Put the youngest in the front of the cart. Never go on trips where you need a lot of things alone. You can also wear your youngest while the oldest sits in the cart. Shopping trips aren’t easy though, I’m not gonna lie.

-Getting in & out of the car? To get in the car, I start it up about 5-10 minutes before we’re leaving to cool it off or warm it up, put the diaper bag out there, and then take my oldest first. I strap her in, go inside and pick up my youngest, and take him out, closing the door behind me. To get out of the car, I always get the oldest out first. This might be different if you like/use infant carrier car seats (I don’t). I use my car door as a “shield” and put my oldest right beside me where the car door is at her back. Then I make her hold my pants leg while I get the youngest. This works because my oldest is very reserved/doesn’t run off.  I usually baby-wear the youngest and hold my toddler’s hand if we’re walking into a restaurant or someone’s house. Or I hold them both. My babies dislike strollers so that’s how I’ve made this work.

-Feeding them? The oldest can feed herself mostly now. I get her food first and lay it out before ever starting a bottle feeding. I also put food in different places in the house at all times so she can stumble upon it. I keep cheerios on the ottoman, goldfish crackers in the kitchen on the chair, and some fruit close to me so I can hand it to her with one hand when she waddles over. I bottle feed the youngest by propping my feet up on an ottoman so my knees are bent and placing him on my legs/lap, facing me. Then I only have to use one hand to feed him the bottle and the other hand is free to play on my phone, hand my toddler things, change the channel, or feed myself.

-Entertaining them? Do “group” activities. Sit down in the floor with them and sing them songs. Color with the toddler while showing the pictures in the book to the youngest and pointing out what everything is. Bounce the babies on your lap, one on each leg. Lay them on their backs and blow raspberries on their bellies, one at a time, killing them with anticipation. BE A CIRCUS CLOWN!

-Changing diapers? I do this as an assembly line. My oldest needs a diaper change about every other time I change my youngest baby’s diaper. This saves time, they entertain each other while you change them, and you can use one trash bag/diaper genie bag for both diapers.

-Making them feel special? Let the older one help in any way they can. I ask my oldest to do things for me. “Bring me that bottle, please,” or, “Go see if you can make your brother laugh!” She loves having this “responsibility”. While the baby is napping in the morning, use that time to read books to your oldest, or give them a special treat. Everly and I eat our morning yogurt together while we watch a video on Youtube or Sesame Street. As for the baby, they will inevitably get extra attention because they need you more/differently at this stage.

-Disciplining them? This sounds silly, but “discipline” the youngest on occasion in front of your oldest. I do this by saying, “Beckett, that’s Everly’s toy,” or if he pulls her hair I say, “No pulling hair. Gentle.” This is my way of letting Everly know that I have expectations from both of them and that she’s just as important as he is. It makes it easier because you’ll find yourself disciplining the older one a lot of the time, “Don’t poke the baby’s eyeballs! Don’t feed him your crackers! Gentle! Gentle! Gentle!” and this seems to make it feel more fair to the older one.

-Sharing a room? I co-slept with Beckett until he was 4 months old. I then assembled a crib that was passed down to us and put it in our guest room.  I use an awesome white noise machine to drown out middle-of-the-night crying. I synced their bedtimes early on. Beckett was probably about 3 months old when I moved it up from around 11 to around 8 and now it’s at 7ish. And their wake times are now synced as well. When the baby stops waking in the middle of the night consistently, I’ll move him into the nursery with a white noise machine and hope for the best. My babies are light sleepers so room sharing before the baby is sleeping would be very hard.

=========================

Go into survival mode. If the oldest needs a small cookie so you have time to take the youngest upstairs for a nap, do it. Compromise. Learn your limits. Forgive yourself. Strengthen your patience. Ask for help. Pray. And enjoy this sometimes hard but seriously rewarding season of life. Complaining will happen. Fights with your spouse will happen. But they all pass. You will miss these days.

Life is tough and life is sweet. 2 under 2 is a testament to that.

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