Beckett,
You stick your finger out toward me and I reaaaaach toward you and when we touch I make a buzzing noise just like I used to do with Everly. You throw your head back and laugh and we do it all over again. It never gets old to you. You’ll sit with me on the couch in the quiet of the morning and put a toy in my mouth and I’ll growl and shake my head back and forth and you get so tickled I have to hold you close and say, “Shhhhhhh! You’ll wake up Sissy!” and that gets you going even more. You think I’m so funny and I think you’re so funny and together we make quite the hilarious pair. You cut loose a little easier than Everly does so I know when I do my crazy dancing or voices that you’ll give me a good clap or giggle in appreciation.
You’re 11 months old, baby boy. One more month until you’re 1 and I have to tell you… I’m loving this age right now. You are brave, smart, and vocal about your needs. Today you climbed up onto Sissy’s big girl bed all by yourself and bounced, chewed on the rails, and looked proud as a little peacock that you achieved what you had. I am so proud of you, son. I am so proud of how excited about life you are, how careless! How you really want to see everything and do everything that we’re doing. You don’t miss a beat. I admire your fearlessness and like to think that is something I helped contribute to your personality.
Lately I have started working again and I love it so much. I love the feeling of contributing financially and taking some pressure off of your dad, I love the people I’m meeting and the company I’m representing. I love that I can still stay at home with you every day and watch you pick up stray raisins and try to chew them for 10 minutes, or kiss your head when you crawl at high speed into the side of my desk. At night I sometimes miss you and your sister just an hour or so after being away, but I know you’re safe and sleeping and I take a breath and relax when I realize I’ll see you very early the next morning. Okay… sometimes too early the next morning.
There is a feeling of my overall completion that came with you and your sister, a fulfillment of what I believe to be God’s plan. Billy was really the foundation and you and Everly filled in gaps. The accomplishment I feel when I look at your face is beyond anything I could do at any job, the rewards are bigger than anything monetary that could be offered. You are absolutely the air I breathe and the constant stream of poetry that allows me to understand the world in a more beautiful way. You’re such an important part of my purpose. Take how important you are to me and hold onto it tightly in times where you’re unsure of your own purpose. I can tell you that whoever you are to become and whatever you are to do, it is powerful. It is carefully written, waiting to be discovered. Use your laugh and your sense of humor and your bravery and make friends and create happiness. Be kind.
You are my little baby boy, totally unaware of how magnificent you are (actually who am I kidding?) Your twinkly, squinty eyes and your kisses, and the sound your hands make as they meet. The way you hold tightly to your stuffed duck when I lay you down, the way you smell, the way you knock almost everything off your highchair tray before you’ll actually taste it… your belly, your ears, your wispy hair.
You are my sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey. You’ll never know how much I love you (and nothing will ever take that away).
-Mama
